How to alienate and why you should.

I have not been on planet Earth very long. But in that time I've been an incredible amount of awesome. When you are the very embodiment of all that is amazing about the universe and life in general you forget that others are not always doing too well.

This on it's own is forgiveable as long as they know where they are going wrong. The true use of life is not to be a good (insert religious persuasion here) or to make a baby. The true purpose is to improve as much as you can about anything you are or have been. For example, I have been a pupil/student, I make it imperative to learn about anything that interests me and anything that's peripheral to that information. I don't have to do it all now, I just have to do it now and again, thus improving myself. If I am unhappy I do something that makes me happier. I do not complain about how sad I am and then continue to be sad. That gets on my nerves. There are times when life will kick you in the tits. That is when you can be sad, but to complain about it without trying to do anything about it is ridiculous.

Removing these people from your life after trying hard to help them not feel sad as best as you're able is a good reason to know how you should alienate somebody. Yes, they'll be sad about it. But if it's not that then it's something else.

Another good reason (although less applicable to me recently) is if somebody brings out the worst possible characteristics in you. If you are in love with somebody and they don't requite that feeling, that's a bummer. If that makes you want to stab babies, it's time to remove that person from your life.

Drastically altering your relationship with somebody is difficult in emotional terms. But in physical terms it's very easy.

Step 1: Let there be fireworks - When somebody is starting to go off on you about something, anything at all, if it's not pertinent to what you have actually done it's your opportunity to make this step. You will feel guilt. That's OK. Burying your emotions is fine for a few months, so man up and get involved. They for example could be grieving over a friend's death and in your effort to console them they misinterpret what you're saying. If at that point they decide to make an example of you, and lecture about what they expect of you in the recent past, present and future, even if they then try to take it back, it's time to let them go.

If you can, call them a cunt on a time delay. An e-mail with the subject line "When you're ready to talk" where you say that they are a cunt and they shouldn't look back. That'd do the trick. Or an answer phone message at 4am. That'd be fucking harsh too. You want to make this move as inconvenient and as cuntish as possible.

Step 2: Remove all avenues of communication. E-Mail address? Block it. Social networking sites? Delete them from your contacts/friends list and make sure your account is on ultra privacy mode. IM? Delete them from that too as well as blocking them. Delete their number from your phone, remove any instance you can find of it. If you can, change your number. Likelihood is you won't hear from them again anyway. But if you want it known that you are bending over backwards in order to cause complete ostracism don't hold back. If you feel really angry, burn any picture you ever got of them. Even if they were always camera shy around you and you have like two. It's cathartic, and also symbolic of your commitment to their complete alienation.

Step 3: Now the only instance of their life overlapping with yours is in the physical world. They'll be angry too from step one. But they're probably the kind of idiot who gives you a second chance to suspect you of being nasty for the rest of their unworthy life. You may well have some of the same friends, I wouldn't talk about it to your friends much. That way if they start drawing lines, the drama was caused by them. And if they don't, no drama. If they are walking past you, get eye contact for a split second, try to not look like anything. They won't know what you're thinking exactly and they'll want to stay away from you, possibly out of your sight even amongst mutual friends.

Congratulations. You've dealt with the stupid cunt who seemed to expect the world of you when they showed you no affection, interest or loyalty.

(In case it escaped your notice, I'm drawing from a recent event.)