Intrusive Platitudes for Life

I use StumbleUpon. It drains my life. However, if it weren't StumbleUpon it would be something else.
I stumbled on to this page.

This list was there and I felt I could help provide you with Mr. Southey's guide to killing platitudes. Pseudo-philosophy will distract you from doing your own thing well simply making you feel good about yourself now and preventing you from wanting more from yourself. So without further ado:

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully

Have you ever heard: "give them an inch and they'll take a mile". If you're going to give out then sure do it gracefully and maybe with a bit of cheer, but come on! Some people expect more because they're spoiled brats.

Memorize your favorite poem

Yes. You too can be the prick who quotes the same piece of information that stirred you when you were fifteen. Memorize everything that has ever been interesting to you. If you forget something it wasn't interesting enough or you didn't try hard enough. Some poetry drones on for pages. Some pretentious cunt is going to memorize the whole thing because they read the above. Brain power better served learning something practical so as to actually improve your life.

Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want

If you have surrounded yourself with the incompetent and untrustworthy, not believing all you hear is perfect advice. By your twenties you are likely to be in a set personality. You will already know what you will believe and what you won't for the rest of your life. You could say you changed your mind, and that's OK but for the most part, a sudden change in belief is like a sudden change in personality which is a symptom of something wrong with your brain. Incidentally, spend all you can afford to spend, there's an economic slow down/recession caused by panicked voodoo-speculators on Wall Street. Sleep all you need to. You will feel less tired the rest of the day if you get up the first time you wake up and have a staunch breakfast.

When you say, "I love you", mean it

Bullshit. As a full time drunk I can attest the limitless proclaimations of love you will hear on a weekly basis from some of the most unlikely sources. When somebody says 'I love you', you say it back regardless. If you have no romantic feeling for them and they are seriously trying to proclaim their love for you tell them that when the situation becomes clear to you. Never, I repeat, NEVER return 'I love you' with something other than 'I love you', you will look like a jackass.

When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye

When you say anything to a person, look them in the eye unless you have some condition that makes that a very hard thing to do. If you can't look people in the eye because it makes you uncomfortable looking into people's eyes, look at the bridge of their nose. If you're lying, lack of eye contact is not the only give away so don't think you can get away with it.

Be engaged at least six months before you get married

Never get engaged and never get married. Marriage is an outmoded institution designed for people who often wouldn't live to see their 30s and 40s. People who are married all their life have put a lot of commitment in there partly in fear of their deity. If you actually want to spend the rest of your lives together, then just do it. You don't need some license for that. Don't let a tax-break seduce you.

Believe in love at first sight

More importantly, believe whatever the hell you like, but don't try to force it on others. But in this case you don't fall in love with somebody the moment you see them. Some people are attracted to people the moment they see them but have an upbringing which told the particulars of why a man and a woman (or any variation thereupon) feel attraction for each other and that is love. They are attracted and that means they can only think it's love, so it's love at first sight. Calling lust love, does not make lust love. Try just being attracted to somebody and just sort of accepting that. You might feel a little less weird.

Never laugh at anyone's dreams

I have a friend called Greg. He dreamt once that he made a lift (an elevator) out of balloons. I will laugh at that. A lot. Never laugh at anybody's ambitions and aspirations. This is Thomas Southey's Campaign for the Use of Unambiguous Language When You aren't Craking a Joke (CUULWYCJ). It's not a popular movement.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely

Love is a deep and passionate emotion. You may as well say 'angst with worry'. And it's not that you might get hurt. You are going to get hurt. Stop giving yourself a get out clause. If you don't get hurt, I'm wrong. If you're going to be wrong about something, it might as well be about that. You can live life completely without love. Part of human life is self-awareness. Many people forgo this and go straight for companionship. Problem is, if that falls apart you don't have an image of yourself on your own to fall back on. Love because you love somebody, not because you can't love yourself is what I'm saying I guess.

In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling

If we disagree and you are being a cunt I will call you a cunt. I will not shy away from name calling. Especially accurate name calling. Labels are a method of escalating a discussion. It's very helpful for bringing diplomatic people out of their comfort zone. They choose their words carefully because they want to spin their way out of looking like they picked the wrong side. Push them. Make them feel like they are personally under attack as opposed to defending a point of view. You'll soon force that mistake out of them where they will say what they think not what they think you can't argue with.

Don't judge people by their relatives. "NO KIDDING"

OK. That's a fair point. For the most part. Sometimes though you have a nasty family unit. It's not genetic, it's learned behaviour. If you have a bastard for a father and a twat for a mother, you will excel at being both those things unless you seriously know that such behaviour is anathema. Early development in childhood is judged against the parents. Teenage development is also judged against the parents only at this point, it's just as likely a person fell in with the wrong crowd. But the parents will still get the blame. The sites proclamation of "NO KIDDING" is apparently unaware that this happens. You should know this fact that people do judge you by your relatives. That way you can act impeccably and maybe you'll defy expectation.

Talk slow but think quick

Talk normally. Think normally. Thinking quickly is a lie. Alright, maybe more a myth. If you have thought about something before you have already laid the groundwork for 'thinking quick'. Funny people are funny off the cuff because they have genuinely funny minds. They have probably discussed, thought about or even used ideas before. Talking slowly makes you look like you're auditioning for an American soap-opera. Talk normally when you know what you're saying. At best just try to avoid talking fast altogether. I make that mistake a lot and half my words will come out mangled.

When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

No. When somebody asks you a question you don't want to answer you smile and say "Mind your own business". The smile is crucial as to not cause offence. But the question promotes dialogue. The conversation will not stop at "why do you want to know?". Make a closed, negative statement. Use it nicely.

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk

There is no risk in great love. You can love somebody or something a lot before you have to make any risk. Some great achievements involve great luck separate from an event of great risk i.e. the discovery of penicillin. Try taking more risks though. You get lucky more often. And when you don't, pick yourself up and give it another crack or give something else a go.

Call your mom

Call her what?

Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze

I'm not one for superstition and that practise is steeped in it. However, it's still polite. Still when somebody sneezes perhaps you could probably get involved better by asking them if they are alright.

When you lose, don't lose the lesson

When you lose, you do forget that there are morals to be taken from experience. So I do agree with the above. But did it really need to be that corny?

Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions

I remember when the three R's were Reading, Writing and Arithmetic. The above could probably be done more succinctly. You are your own master, respect your serfs and your peers alike. Nah, I guess not.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship

If it's the nineteenth little dispute in 18 months and they dress you down when you tried to help them, cut 'em off. You don't need dead weight.

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it

Or you could stand by it. Recognise it as a mistake. Admit it as a mistake. But just because it's a mistake doesn't mean you must bring your situation back to status-quo. Look at the lay of the land. If you're better off making something new then do that instead.

Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice

That's just silly. A caller will hear if you are happy or miserable because you are happy or miserable. If you are miserable but have a smile you will still sound miserable.

Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her conversational skills
will be as important as any other

Don't get married. If it was conversation skills that were important, instant messaging not porn would be the most prevalent thing on the internet.

Spend some time alone

If you have an introverted personality. Extroverted personalities struggle to focus when they haven't got somebody to bounce ideas off/impress/feed off of. They should learn a little alone time focus. Give extroverts a task to do on their own that they can come back and show off to others about. that should help them focus. Conversely, introverts struggle with things to say to people in groups of people. If you think you have an introverted friend they probably prefer to listen anyway but you should ask them leading questions. they have opinions they just don't know whether now is the time to bring them up.

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values

Why bother opening your arms to change then? You're only going to bend things to your values, compromising the idea. Either hold to values (many value systems emphasise tradition and avoiding change), or go to change. Just don't kill anybody.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer

When asked a question, silence is the searing sound of betrayal. Answer truthfully. Man up and accept your consequence. If you are silent, you won't be considered.

Read more books and watch less TV

Information and education can be acquired anywhere. A book as fiction is not better for you just because it's more detailed. Look for the gems in all media.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time

Live a good, honourable life because it makes you happy, because it doesn't hurt people. Not because you want to relive it when you have a catheter and you are a shadow of your youth.

Trust in God but lock your car

Cop out of the century. A blatant admittance that God will not actually provide. That's a misinterpretation that gets right on my nerves. People genuinely believe that by being a good Christian you will get all you need. The passages that outline this are clear that when you are satiated by food and luxury and whatnot you will still be hungry. It is that hunger that God will provide for. But no, apparently even the protestants have stopped looking at the bible line by line for context to the moral now.

A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home

Atmosphere of any description can be built anywhere. Make your home comfortable. Let relaxation do the rest.

In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past

If the past is part of the wider issue you shouldn't ignore it.

Read between the lines

But beware, more people than you think communicate explicitly. Don't force it.

Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality

There is no immortality. Proof positive in all those quotes accredited to 'Anon.'.

Be gentle with the earth

Just be gentle all told if you want something done. Heavy handed actions are threats, they aren't problem solvers.

Pray. There's immeasurable power in it

It's immeasurable because there is nothing to measure. You are talking to something that is not there. There is immeasurable power in doing. Praying is religious masturbation.

Never interrupt when you are being flattered

Moreover, you should say thank you. It might seem conceited to some people, but to disregard a complement shows no respect.

Mind your own business

The world is full of hypocrites. Let them be.

Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss them

They aren't plotting your murder. Some people don't close their eyes. It's kind of weird when you open yours and they are already looking at you though.

Once a year, go someplace you've never been before

Most likely leaving you to go back to a place you'll be constantly in until next year: poverty.

If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction

Wealth's greatest satisfaction is snorting cocaine off of the arse of a hooker. Charity can satisfy all.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck

Sometimes what we want is what we really need. That wouldn't be lucky.

Learn the rules then break some

When there are rules, there's a game. If you break the rules, you lose. Learn the rules, win the game.

Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other

I believe I've moved towards this above so I can't really disagree.

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it

Judge your success on how much you wanted it. The only sacrifice you shouldn't make is what you think is right.

Remember that your character is your destiny

There is no destiny. Get amongst it. Go achieve your ambition and stop listening to any old hack (including me) on the internet.

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon

And you will burn your pans if you know what I mean.

The Sarcasm Mark

I am known to be a very sarcastic person. Sometimes I'm credited as such more often than is strictly true and off-colour remarks I make in written form can be considered sarcastic or even ironic once in a blue moon when I am in fact being serious and the truth is absurd or hard to swallow.

I have been, for some while now, in search of an adequate punctuation solution to this problem. Surely something so widespread in at least the English speaking world would have some form of punctuation even if it were some outdated and obscure construction from the 15th century? Well apparently not. There has been a recent move towards it. If you think about it the attitude that sarcasm is a lower form of parlance it's not hard to conclude why they wouldn't have started to come up with ideas to show sarcastic intent. As to why now? Well any idiot can sign up for a blogger account and talk about the lack of a sarcasm mark these days.

Some suggestions have emerged through a way to bring sarcasm to the attention of those being mocked. The innovations created in order to create it have been simple solutions to complex problems. Some of them using simple html tags and others using little or entirely unused punctuation in English drawn from other languages such as the inverted exclamation mark.

These solutions however aren't necessarily the most accessible though, and can become quite a chore having to set them up as a shortcut on your keyboard if you wish to type in anything other than html on an English keyboard. An instant message for example would become a chore.

One example though caught my eye. The use of a tilde. You all know what a tilde is but you might not know it by name. Allow me to demonstrate:

~

That is a tilde. It's been suggested that using a tilde after the offending sentence would alert the reader to a hidden meaning and to re-read the sentence again so that the tone of what would be the verbal could be set. I'd love to bring this kind of thing to a popular use so that it can become a new part of our modern language. An example of it's use for the confused can be read as so:

"I think your shirt is well worth the money you paid for it.~"

So there you have it. The sarcasm mark. Other kinds of marks have been proposed long before by a French poet who needed to bend tone around cold words. Try looking at this to see what I mean.

So sorry if that bored you.~

How to alienate and why you should.

I have not been on planet Earth very long. But in that time I've been an incredible amount of awesome. When you are the very embodiment of all that is amazing about the universe and life in general you forget that others are not always doing too well.

This on it's own is forgiveable as long as they know where they are going wrong. The true use of life is not to be a good (insert religious persuasion here) or to make a baby. The true purpose is to improve as much as you can about anything you are or have been. For example, I have been a pupil/student, I make it imperative to learn about anything that interests me and anything that's peripheral to that information. I don't have to do it all now, I just have to do it now and again, thus improving myself. If I am unhappy I do something that makes me happier. I do not complain about how sad I am and then continue to be sad. That gets on my nerves. There are times when life will kick you in the tits. That is when you can be sad, but to complain about it without trying to do anything about it is ridiculous.

Removing these people from your life after trying hard to help them not feel sad as best as you're able is a good reason to know how you should alienate somebody. Yes, they'll be sad about it. But if it's not that then it's something else.

Another good reason (although less applicable to me recently) is if somebody brings out the worst possible characteristics in you. If you are in love with somebody and they don't requite that feeling, that's a bummer. If that makes you want to stab babies, it's time to remove that person from your life.

Drastically altering your relationship with somebody is difficult in emotional terms. But in physical terms it's very easy.

Step 1: Let there be fireworks - When somebody is starting to go off on you about something, anything at all, if it's not pertinent to what you have actually done it's your opportunity to make this step. You will feel guilt. That's OK. Burying your emotions is fine for a few months, so man up and get involved. They for example could be grieving over a friend's death and in your effort to console them they misinterpret what you're saying. If at that point they decide to make an example of you, and lecture about what they expect of you in the recent past, present and future, even if they then try to take it back, it's time to let them go.

If you can, call them a cunt on a time delay. An e-mail with the subject line "When you're ready to talk" where you say that they are a cunt and they shouldn't look back. That'd do the trick. Or an answer phone message at 4am. That'd be fucking harsh too. You want to make this move as inconvenient and as cuntish as possible.

Step 2: Remove all avenues of communication. E-Mail address? Block it. Social networking sites? Delete them from your contacts/friends list and make sure your account is on ultra privacy mode. IM? Delete them from that too as well as blocking them. Delete their number from your phone, remove any instance you can find of it. If you can, change your number. Likelihood is you won't hear from them again anyway. But if you want it known that you are bending over backwards in order to cause complete ostracism don't hold back. If you feel really angry, burn any picture you ever got of them. Even if they were always camera shy around you and you have like two. It's cathartic, and also symbolic of your commitment to their complete alienation.

Step 3: Now the only instance of their life overlapping with yours is in the physical world. They'll be angry too from step one. But they're probably the kind of idiot who gives you a second chance to suspect you of being nasty for the rest of their unworthy life. You may well have some of the same friends, I wouldn't talk about it to your friends much. That way if they start drawing lines, the drama was caused by them. And if they don't, no drama. If they are walking past you, get eye contact for a split second, try to not look like anything. They won't know what you're thinking exactly and they'll want to stay away from you, possibly out of your sight even amongst mutual friends.

Congratulations. You've dealt with the stupid cunt who seemed to expect the world of you when they showed you no affection, interest or loyalty.

(In case it escaped your notice, I'm drawing from a recent event.)